Stuck in the middle with you

Yeah, strange title but it's what popped into my head.

I've been really down and confused the last couple of weeks.  The disability review was due which made me start thinking about what kind of jobs I "might" could do in the future. 

A little background first: For those that don't know me well, I'm smart and driven. I worked very hard to move up the corporate ladder.  Per Duke, I still have those smarts but can't always express them. This figures in heavily to jobs.

On with the story. My brain still requires lots of sleep, as in 10-12 hours a night. I'm doing better because I don't have to take a nap now.  At the same time, my brain quickly gets overloaded with information. Example: if you see me out and about - say at a gather, you will notice I always have my back to a wall. No I'm not paranoid, it's because then my brain only has 50% less stuff to think about. Even then it still gets overwhelmed quickly, an hour maybe depending on the people and what's going on, how much attention I have to pay. When this happens I lose the ability to concentrate, I get a headache, sick on my stomach and the feeling of having to go potty right now.  Kinda like immedately getting the flu. The only way to get rid of this is to go to a dark room and rest. Essentially remove all the things my brain has to worry with. Take away all the outside stuff. Go back to safe, secure, and worry free.  OH yeah, my speech gets very slurred and the wrong words come out a lot too. Forgot about that part. That happens when I'm just tired as well (mentally or physcially).

So, sleeping 10-12 hours a night means it could only be a part time job at best. But then I can't handle more than a hour or 2 at most before I get totally overloaded and have to nap. This isn't sounding good. So far we've come up with absolutely ZERO things I could do.   Seriously nothing, nadda, zip, zilch.

So going from quickly moving up the corporate ladder to having no ability to do a job is very upsetting. Throw in that I look "normal" and people can't understand why I'm not working doesn't make things any better.

The sound you hear is me sobbing, quietly to myself.