Anxiety level RED

Why is my anxiety level at RED?  Oh let me count the ways:

• Since I’m getting better I’m noticing more and more things I cannot do, which is a constant daily downer
• My left foot is hurting because it’s compensating for the weaker right side and carrying more weight, I think. It hasn’t gotten so bad that I want to go to the Doctor.
• The pollen. The pollen is driving me crazy.
• Nortel is petitioning the court to allow them to stop all the LTDs benefits

If that's not enough to raise your anxiety level, nothing will.

Stuck in the middle with you

Yeah, strange title but it's what popped into my head.

I've been really down and confused the last couple of weeks.  The disability review was due which made me start thinking about what kind of jobs I "might" could do in the future. 

A little background first: For those that don't know me well, I'm smart and driven. I worked very hard to move up the corporate ladder.  Per Duke, I still have those smarts but can't always express them. This figures in heavily to jobs.

On with the story. My brain still requires lots of sleep, as in 10-12 hours a night. I'm doing better because I don't have to take a nap now.  At the same time, my brain quickly gets overloaded with information. Example: if you see me out and about - say at a gather, you will notice I always have my back to a wall. No I'm not paranoid, it's because then my brain only has 50% less stuff to think about. Even then it still gets overwhelmed quickly, an hour maybe depending on the people and what's going on, how much attention I have to pay. When this happens I lose the ability to concentrate, I get a headache, sick on my stomach and the feeling of having to go potty right now.  Kinda like immedately getting the flu. The only way to get rid of this is to go to a dark room and rest. Essentially remove all the things my brain has to worry with. Take away all the outside stuff. Go back to safe, secure, and worry free.  OH yeah, my speech gets very slurred and the wrong words come out a lot too. Forgot about that part. That happens when I'm just tired as well (mentally or physcially).

So, sleeping 10-12 hours a night means it could only be a part time job at best. But then I can't handle more than a hour or 2 at most before I get totally overloaded and have to nap. This isn't sounding good. So far we've come up with absolutely ZERO things I could do.   Seriously nothing, nadda, zip, zilch.

So going from quickly moving up the corporate ladder to having no ability to do a job is very upsetting. Throw in that I look "normal" and people can't understand why I'm not working doesn't make things any better.

The sound you hear is me sobbing, quietly to myself.

All Good!

YES!  The MRI was good!  Back in 4 months.


Ok, after days like these, I begin to believe I'm going to live for a while. That then makes me wonder what am I going to do? I've talked to the psychiatrist about possible jobs in the future and we've been unable to come up with anything. My brain goes to mush if I think more than a little while. And a little while is like maybe an hour. When that happens I HAVE to take a nap to even get back to somewhat normal. That's in addition to my normal 10-12 hours of nightly sleep.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about living but cofused as to what to do with the future.

Waiting

It's only Saturday.  I have copied and reviewed the MRI. I cannot tell if it is diffferent or not. It looks like there might be more enhancement around the area where the tumor was removed. Just have to wait until Monday.

Happy Easter!

4 months

I live my life in 4 month segments.  Tomorrow is the end of another segment.

Why 4 months you ask? That's the length of time between MRI's.  So tomorrow at 1pm I'll find out how the next segment will go.  Will it be another 4 months clean & clear or will next round of treatments start? Tomorrow we'll find out.

NO PRESSURE!

The little elk

Some days are stranger than others.

Monday was my Great Aunt's funeral. For some reason I get there earlier than the rest of my family.  None of these people have seen since my Grandmother's funeral 7 years ago, some longer than that. So I'm introducing myself to distant relatives that have no clue who I am. What repsonse do I get? "Oh, I didn't recognize you without you're long hair." or "You're hair was so long last time we say you." Great, I just kinda blew it off with a "well, I've grown up" statement.  What I wanted to say was that I was lucky to have any hair at all and yes, I'd love to have my long hair back but it's not an option - @#*%$*

Then it got even  more interesting once the funeral started. There were 2 reverends speaking. The first was a woman from the church my Aunt attended. The longer this lady spoke, the louder she got and the higher her voice got.  At one point I didn't know if I was at a funeral or an old timey tent Revival.  I was expecting to get saved again at any moment. Then I noticed the 2nd reverend was probably her husband. I really didn't think I could make through another session.

Finally we made it to the graveyard for a small grave side service. It only lasted about 2 minutes. Everyone started leaving and we were just chatting with relatives.  At one point my Dad looks over and asks me how I like his keychain. I couldn't really see it so I asked what it was. It was a little elk. It as really cute so I asked where he got it from, his reply "You brought it back fro me from Alaska"

Yeah, like kinda sucks when you can't remember stuff like that. And you can't remember it in front of a lot of people. I'll just go to bed now.

Watching the waves

I've always loved the ocean. When I need to go to my "happy place" it's on the beach. So when my friend asked this -

Friend posted:
I ask every time. Please pray or wish me the best. I imagine the cancer burning to cinders inside of me. Embers go up and go cool. Just the cancer. Turning black and my body can process it and it goes away. Please let this be the combo that works. Please let there be years for all of us. The flame burns but kills nothing but cancer. I find it very relaxing.


Here's how I responded:
I'm going to watch the tide come in and take away each and every little piece of cancer just like it does the sand. When the tide goes out, only clear clean cells will remain.
 
Please send prayers and wish away her cancer. Prayers do work.