Plans are pointless. Staying alive is as good as it gets.

Insomnia.  It really sucks and I seem to have a bad case of it. Hopefully it will get better now that my husband is back from his business trip.

It seems that I now have anxiety about sleep. If I need to get up a certain time or have something important to do the next day I get really anxious about getting enough sleep and getting up on time. Which equates to me not being able to fall asleep which makes me worry more - vicious circle.  And that's where the insomnia comes from.

Too add to that vicious circle, if I don't get enough sleep I get a headache/migraine. Which means I need to sleep to get rid of the migraine.

Why not just drug myself into oblivion? Well, if I'm home alone I have to make sure I can wake up if the dog needs to go out. Or clean up stinky cat puke at 5:30am so I won't step in it. Or the house catches on fire. The options are endless and thus back the anxiety.

Which leads me to watching 28 Days Later sometime early this morning. No, scary movies really don't bother me. But I did hear the most interesting quote:

"Plans are pointless. Staying alive is as good as it gets."

 That's how I feel right now. I might explain why later but it's pretty depressing.

I don't look sick

 Lately I've been getting the feeling from people that I'm just not doing enough.  Not visiting enough, not caring enough, not "add your own words here." It drives me crazy because it just makes me realize more and more of how much people just don't understand. Don't understand my life, don't understand what just getting through a day takes.  

 I see a therapist once a week and a psychiatrist about every 2 weeks but talking to Reverend Tammy this week she hit the nail on the head - I don't look sick. People look at me and expect me to be like everyone else. Like I used to be. Hey, I'm not like that anymore. Everything has changed. EVERYTHING

This is me now. This what's normal for me. So I'm going to try to put into words what it's like. First read the "Spoon Theory" below. I don't have unlimited spoons, I have to work with what I got.

I sleep 12 hours a night. That's half a day. Half my day. That leaves me 12 hours to do everything else. Then if I do something very brain/thinking intensive, like driving or worse driving in the rain or traffic then I need more rest. If I exercise I need more sleep. No, I can't just sleep less because that severely impacts my ability to do anything, like my balance, coordination, word usage, talking, thinking. The list goes on.

So just a normal day, sleep 12 hours, that's half the day gone. Shower, wash my hair, get myself ready, feed the dog, let him out, check on the cats: that's another 2-3 hours. So we're up to 14-15 hours and I've not done anything.

Now if I want to drive to say Smithfield that's 1.15 hours there and another 1.15 hrs back - add another 2.5 hours to my day. That makes 16.5 - 18.5 hrs just getting up and driving down to Smithfield.

No visiting, stopping for food, gas. Oh yeah, now I get migraines if I don't eat regularly or get all my 12 hrs of sleep.

I'm not asking for your pity just understanding. Understand that I might look OK but I'm not. That I want to do more things but I just an not able. I would LOVE to be like everybody else but I'm not.