New Hair

Well, I decided to get a new hair do.  Most of you already know I have a funky streak so it's now coming out in my hair. Not many people have seen it but here it is!



Yes my hair is natually that dark. Freaks everyone out when they realize it and try to color it. No one believes it's that dark, it's really dark. Like almost black. The added color was suppoesed to be red red but it's more orange. I think we're going to back in and do more of a burgandy color.

I'm really liking this just type and let it go thing!

Long time no post

Yes it's been a long time since I posted. I mainly don't do it because it takes so long. But I had a great suggestion today from a wonderful friend - just type what I think and don't worry about how it sounds, puncutated, left our or mispelled words.  If you can read it great, if not oh well.

Ok, just to get it off my chest. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off because I have a dear friend that has terminal cancer. Terminal as in a few months to live. She knows she's going and she's fighting, fighting hard. But what really pisses me off more is that someone would just kill themselves. Throw away a perfectly healthy body for no freaking reason. Just give up when they aren't even fighting anything. Ok, that's my currently mad at thing.

In other news, I'm enjoying church. I know that words no one ever would believe would come out of my mouth. I'm love my new family. I like going in on Sunday morning and knowing people and having them smile to see me and want to talk to me. It's an awesome feeling. And they are keeping me really busy. Sometimes too busy but it good to push.

Also, I have found I'm mor alert at night and write better so yo getting that benefit! HA!!!!  So this is what it look like when I just type and maybe make a few corrections as I type but otherwise, 20 minutes and I'm done.

Sleep week Seattle!

I need sleep!

I normally sleep about 10-12 hours a night. I've been getting up later and later in the day and decided I needed to make a change. Go to bed earlier, get up earlier. I had stuff to do those days as well to make me get up earlier but I was thinking it would be a good breaking in period for me.

Saturday morning I got up at 0 dark thirty. I saw the sunrise and it was beautiful. It made me want to get up early every day to take pictures of the lovely country side. I felt really good about myself. I hit the yard sales, dropped off stuff to my Aunt, went to see my Dad, had a late lunch and hit the outlet mall. Yes, it was a lot of stuff I realize now. After the mall on the way home, we decided to hit one last flea market even though we were dragging. Keep in mind by this point I've taken 2 separate doses of Adderall to give me energy. I get home a little late - by this point my family should know I have NO sense of time and should be able to help me. Had dinner with friends, they live about 3 miles from our house, and then home to bed. I crashed immediately and didn't move until the alarm went off the next day. I think that's a normal/regular person day.

Sunday I get up a little later but still earlier than normal for Church. And it was another busy day. Church, Daytona 500 party, photo session with a friends kids and then back home for dinner and bed. Again took both doses of Adderall to keep going with a couple of Mt Dews to make it. I was so tired yesterday afternoon my memory went and speech were total shit. When I could remember what to say I'd slur it or just pronounce wrong. Again totally crashed and didn't move until morning.

Monday - day three. I got up about the same time this morning, could hardly make it. Chugged a Pepsi and took some Adderall so I could get going. By the time I finished my Doctor's appointment and a couple errands, I could hardly keep my eyes open. It wasn't even close to time for another Adderall. I got home and took a serious power nap - for about 3 hours or so. Normally I'm a light sleeper but I didn't even hear my husband come home. I'm not sure if I even moved in the bed.

I realize I'm not close to a normal person anymore. No way I could hold a job when I NEED to sleep 10-12 hours a night. I'd have just enough time to work, eat and go back to sleep. IF I could make it through a day of working. After the power nap I'm still so tired I just want to crawl back in bed. Hell I had a really hard time typing this up, righting was instead of saw things like that.

Thanks again world for showing me how different I am now.

What is REAL?

“'What is REAL?' asked the Rabbit one day, 'Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?

''Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.[...]

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?''

It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to the people who don't understand.'”

-Margery Williams

Online friends

How do you get so attached to people you've never meet? Just talked to online, never even seen a picture of? Don't even know there real name?

There's another group I chat with online. It's a cancer group. Not everyone has cancer but they are affected by it someway. We've even got a couple of Dr types that jumps in to answer questions. It's nice because everyone knows what your going through and you don't have be nicey nice, just tell it straight.

Anyway, one of the other participants got her scan results back today and they were not good. I'm totally devastated. Here's someone I hardly know anything about and I'm crying. Crying for her, her pain and her loss of everything. She's really at the bottom right now. I really want to help her up but there's not a lot I can do.

I don't want any of us to die but I realize it is inevitable, cancer or not.

Oh yeah - SCREW CANCER (screw is not the word I normally use)

Bad Genes

There's been a lot going on. Bad ovary that will be removed on Feb 22. It's been giving me a hard time since New Year's Eve.  Ready to get it out and move on with a less painful life.

And then this:  it's official: My family is broken. I now have a 2nd cousin (?) 16 yr old that has a tumor on his pituitary gland.

Here's the brain cancer cluster that is my family:

Maternal Grandfather - dead brain cancer

Maternal Grandfather > Daughter/My Aunt > Daughter/My Cousin> Son - 16 with tumor on his pituitary gland

Maternal Grandfather > Daughter/Mom > ME - brain cancer

Maternal Grandfather > Daughter/My Aunt - deceased brain cancer

Paternal Grandfather - dead brain cancer

Paternal Grandfather > Son/My Uncle - deceased not from cancer but had some type of tumor on his brain as a teenager

This makes me very glad I don't have any kids to pass this onto.

Two Years!!

October was 2 years. I'm amazed how much my life has changed. The first year is a big blur. The second is me trying to get some kind of life back. Will be interesting to see what year #3 has in store.

There are things I do to compensate that I don't notice. I have problems with feeling and dexterity in my fingers so I hold things differently. I didn't realize it until someone pointed it out i.e.: I hold my fork different. And somethings I do notice. I have issues with the right side of my face, similar to my fingers. Sometimes I have issues eating, food just falls out of my mouth (not often!) but the problem I notice most is that my lips don't make a good seal so I occasionally emit a high pitched squeak. I'm told that's it's not really noticeable but it drives me crazy. There are lots of other things but it could be soo much worse. If you don't pay attention you'd never notice there was anything different about me.

My personality has changed in that I'm not as outgoing as I was before. I'm hesitant to talk to people because of the slight lisp, saying the wrong word or sometimes I just pause mid-sentence. It's not like I'm looking for a word, or thinking, but that the hamster just stops running on the wheel.

Most of my friends make of fun of it now, which makes me more comfortable about it all. They know I can't say my ABC's and not to even think about me doing math in my head. If I pause while talking they just pick up what I was going to say and we keep on going. Some friends still expect the "old" me to show up, not understanding that the new me is what they got now. That's the hard part.

OK, didn't mean to write a book. I was just going to do a quick update and it all just came tumbling out.