Could you be pregnant?

I've not been feeling well.  It started a couple weeks ago with some abdominal cramping. Then progressed to hurting when I urinated; I ignored it until I woke up several times in the MIDDLE of the night nauseous. I'm thinking bladder infection.  Figured I could walk into the Urgent care, get a prescription and be on my way.

I get there, get checked in and wait for the nurse to call my name.  I somehow get the happiest nurse I've ever seen. Not the "about time to get off and get out of here" but more like "I just won the lottery, this is my last day and I'll never see this hell hole again" happy.  It was very odd.

She starts checking me in, asking all the normal questions. She's still all happy and everything is flowing along normal until we get to the "cound you be pregant" question. I say no, my husband had prostate cancer. And I very quickly and frankly get this in return:

"Just because your husband had his prostate cancer doesn't mean your not pregant"

I was totally dumbfounded. Absolutely speachless. I was trying to figure out a woman would come in with a husband unable to have children and be pregant. Was a woman stupid enough to think she couldn't get preggers by anyone? And then what happened when the husband found out.  Was he stupid too and think it was his or was there a huge fight with police called in? My brain could not process it all. I think I finally shook my head no because she went to the next question with her over the top cherry self.

I'm still shaking my head thinking about it.

Super Glue vs Teflon

On Tuesday I changed my Facebook status to:  I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Someone's going to be wrong.

I had no idea people would think I was serious.  Even my Mom asked why I was putting super glue in a pan. So after lots of questions and posts I determined I HAD to actually do this as a science experiment.

If you want to place bets on who wins - now is the time.

We begin with a simple Teflon Non-Stick fying pan.

And a package of The Original Super Glue

Open the bottle of Super Glue - we all know it takes a safety pin to actually open the bottle.

Now drop some Super Glue into the Teflon Non-Stick Pan. Sorry for the blurry photo, it's the best I could get.

Now we have a puddle of glue in the middle of the pan.

Now we just need to wait a couple minutes to see which one wins!

Now let's check the pan

There, we have the winner!  The super glue is still running around inside the pan, sticking to nothing!

Here's the final picture of the Teflon still clean with NO super glue to be found anywhere!

I can confirm that the Super Glue stuck to both the paper towel and my thumb while it was being cleaned off the pan.

So there's your winner - TEFLON Non-Stick pan!

Thanks to Arianna for being an awesome assistant.

Anxiety level RED

Why is my anxiety level at RED?  Oh let me count the ways:

• Since I’m getting better I’m noticing more and more things I cannot do, which is a constant daily downer
• My left foot is hurting because it’s compensating for the weaker right side and carrying more weight, I think. It hasn’t gotten so bad that I want to go to the Doctor.
• The pollen. The pollen is driving me crazy.
• Nortel is petitioning the court to allow them to stop all the LTDs benefits

If that's not enough to raise your anxiety level, nothing will.

Stuck in the middle with you

Yeah, strange title but it's what popped into my head.

I've been really down and confused the last couple of weeks.  The disability review was due which made me start thinking about what kind of jobs I "might" could do in the future. 

A little background first: For those that don't know me well, I'm smart and driven. I worked very hard to move up the corporate ladder.  Per Duke, I still have those smarts but can't always express them. This figures in heavily to jobs.

On with the story. My brain still requires lots of sleep, as in 10-12 hours a night. I'm doing better because I don't have to take a nap now.  At the same time, my brain quickly gets overloaded with information. Example: if you see me out and about - say at a gather, you will notice I always have my back to a wall. No I'm not paranoid, it's because then my brain only has 50% less stuff to think about. Even then it still gets overwhelmed quickly, an hour maybe depending on the people and what's going on, how much attention I have to pay. When this happens I lose the ability to concentrate, I get a headache, sick on my stomach and the feeling of having to go potty right now.  Kinda like immedately getting the flu. The only way to get rid of this is to go to a dark room and rest. Essentially remove all the things my brain has to worry with. Take away all the outside stuff. Go back to safe, secure, and worry free.  OH yeah, my speech gets very slurred and the wrong words come out a lot too. Forgot about that part. That happens when I'm just tired as well (mentally or physcially).

So, sleeping 10-12 hours a night means it could only be a part time job at best. But then I can't handle more than a hour or 2 at most before I get totally overloaded and have to nap. This isn't sounding good. So far we've come up with absolutely ZERO things I could do.   Seriously nothing, nadda, zip, zilch.

So going from quickly moving up the corporate ladder to having no ability to do a job is very upsetting. Throw in that I look "normal" and people can't understand why I'm not working doesn't make things any better.

The sound you hear is me sobbing, quietly to myself.

All Good!

YES!  The MRI was good!  Back in 4 months.


Ok, after days like these, I begin to believe I'm going to live for a while. That then makes me wonder what am I going to do? I've talked to the psychiatrist about possible jobs in the future and we've been unable to come up with anything. My brain goes to mush if I think more than a little while. And a little while is like maybe an hour. When that happens I HAVE to take a nap to even get back to somewhat normal. That's in addition to my normal 10-12 hours of nightly sleep.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm really excited about living but cofused as to what to do with the future.

Waiting

It's only Saturday.  I have copied and reviewed the MRI. I cannot tell if it is diffferent or not. It looks like there might be more enhancement around the area where the tumor was removed. Just have to wait until Monday.

Happy Easter!

4 months

I live my life in 4 month segments.  Tomorrow is the end of another segment.

Why 4 months you ask? That's the length of time between MRI's.  So tomorrow at 1pm I'll find out how the next segment will go.  Will it be another 4 months clean & clear or will next round of treatments start? Tomorrow we'll find out.

NO PRESSURE!

The little elk

Some days are stranger than others.

Monday was my Great Aunt's funeral. For some reason I get there earlier than the rest of my family.  None of these people have seen since my Grandmother's funeral 7 years ago, some longer than that. So I'm introducing myself to distant relatives that have no clue who I am. What repsonse do I get? "Oh, I didn't recognize you without you're long hair." or "You're hair was so long last time we say you." Great, I just kinda blew it off with a "well, I've grown up" statement.  What I wanted to say was that I was lucky to have any hair at all and yes, I'd love to have my long hair back but it's not an option - @#*%$*

Then it got even  more interesting once the funeral started. There were 2 reverends speaking. The first was a woman from the church my Aunt attended. The longer this lady spoke, the louder she got and the higher her voice got.  At one point I didn't know if I was at a funeral or an old timey tent Revival.  I was expecting to get saved again at any moment. Then I noticed the 2nd reverend was probably her husband. I really didn't think I could make through another session.

Finally we made it to the graveyard for a small grave side service. It only lasted about 2 minutes. Everyone started leaving and we were just chatting with relatives.  At one point my Dad looks over and asks me how I like his keychain. I couldn't really see it so I asked what it was. It was a little elk. It as really cute so I asked where he got it from, his reply "You brought it back fro me from Alaska"

Yeah, like kinda sucks when you can't remember stuff like that. And you can't remember it in front of a lot of people. I'll just go to bed now.

Watching the waves

I've always loved the ocean. When I need to go to my "happy place" it's on the beach. So when my friend asked this -

Friend posted:
I ask every time. Please pray or wish me the best. I imagine the cancer burning to cinders inside of me. Embers go up and go cool. Just the cancer. Turning black and my body can process it and it goes away. Please let this be the combo that works. Please let there be years for all of us. The flame burns but kills nothing but cancer. I find it very relaxing.


Here's how I responded:
I'm going to watch the tide come in and take away each and every little piece of cancer just like it does the sand. When the tide goes out, only clear clean cells will remain.
 
Please send prayers and wish away her cancer. Prayers do work.

New Hair

Well, I decided to get a new hair do.  Most of you already know I have a funky streak so it's now coming out in my hair. Not many people have seen it but here it is!



Yes my hair is natually that dark. Freaks everyone out when they realize it and try to color it. No one believes it's that dark, it's really dark. Like almost black. The added color was suppoesed to be red red but it's more orange. I think we're going to back in and do more of a burgandy color.

I'm really liking this just type and let it go thing!

Long time no post

Yes it's been a long time since I posted. I mainly don't do it because it takes so long. But I had a great suggestion today from a wonderful friend - just type what I think and don't worry about how it sounds, puncutated, left our or mispelled words.  If you can read it great, if not oh well.

Ok, just to get it off my chest. I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off because I have a dear friend that has terminal cancer. Terminal as in a few months to live. She knows she's going and she's fighting, fighting hard. But what really pisses me off more is that someone would just kill themselves. Throw away a perfectly healthy body for no freaking reason. Just give up when they aren't even fighting anything. Ok, that's my currently mad at thing.

In other news, I'm enjoying church. I know that words no one ever would believe would come out of my mouth. I'm love my new family. I like going in on Sunday morning and knowing people and having them smile to see me and want to talk to me. It's an awesome feeling. And they are keeping me really busy. Sometimes too busy but it good to push.

Also, I have found I'm mor alert at night and write better so yo getting that benefit! HA!!!!  So this is what it look like when I just type and maybe make a few corrections as I type but otherwise, 20 minutes and I'm done.

Sleep week Seattle!

I need sleep!

I normally sleep about 10-12 hours a night. I've been getting up later and later in the day and decided I needed to make a change. Go to bed earlier, get up earlier. I had stuff to do those days as well to make me get up earlier but I was thinking it would be a good breaking in period for me.

Saturday morning I got up at 0 dark thirty. I saw the sunrise and it was beautiful. It made me want to get up early every day to take pictures of the lovely country side. I felt really good about myself. I hit the yard sales, dropped off stuff to my Aunt, went to see my Dad, had a late lunch and hit the outlet mall. Yes, it was a lot of stuff I realize now. After the mall on the way home, we decided to hit one last flea market even though we were dragging. Keep in mind by this point I've taken 2 separate doses of Adderall to give me energy. I get home a little late - by this point my family should know I have NO sense of time and should be able to help me. Had dinner with friends, they live about 3 miles from our house, and then home to bed. I crashed immediately and didn't move until the alarm went off the next day. I think that's a normal/regular person day.

Sunday I get up a little later but still earlier than normal for Church. And it was another busy day. Church, Daytona 500 party, photo session with a friends kids and then back home for dinner and bed. Again took both doses of Adderall to keep going with a couple of Mt Dews to make it. I was so tired yesterday afternoon my memory went and speech were total shit. When I could remember what to say I'd slur it or just pronounce wrong. Again totally crashed and didn't move until morning.

Monday - day three. I got up about the same time this morning, could hardly make it. Chugged a Pepsi and took some Adderall so I could get going. By the time I finished my Doctor's appointment and a couple errands, I could hardly keep my eyes open. It wasn't even close to time for another Adderall. I got home and took a serious power nap - for about 3 hours or so. Normally I'm a light sleeper but I didn't even hear my husband come home. I'm not sure if I even moved in the bed.

I realize I'm not close to a normal person anymore. No way I could hold a job when I NEED to sleep 10-12 hours a night. I'd have just enough time to work, eat and go back to sleep. IF I could make it through a day of working. After the power nap I'm still so tired I just want to crawl back in bed. Hell I had a really hard time typing this up, righting was instead of saw things like that.

Thanks again world for showing me how different I am now.

What is REAL?

“'What is REAL?' asked the Rabbit one day, 'Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?

''Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.[...]

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?''

It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to the people who don't understand.'”

-Margery Williams

Online friends

How do you get so attached to people you've never meet? Just talked to online, never even seen a picture of? Don't even know there real name?

There's another group I chat with online. It's a cancer group. Not everyone has cancer but they are affected by it someway. We've even got a couple of Dr types that jumps in to answer questions. It's nice because everyone knows what your going through and you don't have be nicey nice, just tell it straight.

Anyway, one of the other participants got her scan results back today and they were not good. I'm totally devastated. Here's someone I hardly know anything about and I'm crying. Crying for her, her pain and her loss of everything. She's really at the bottom right now. I really want to help her up but there's not a lot I can do.

I don't want any of us to die but I realize it is inevitable, cancer or not.

Oh yeah - SCREW CANCER (screw is not the word I normally use)

Bad Genes

There's been a lot going on. Bad ovary that will be removed on Feb 22. It's been giving me a hard time since New Year's Eve.  Ready to get it out and move on with a less painful life.

And then this:  it's official: My family is broken. I now have a 2nd cousin (?) 16 yr old that has a tumor on his pituitary gland.

Here's the brain cancer cluster that is my family:

Maternal Grandfather - dead brain cancer

Maternal Grandfather > Daughter/My Aunt > Daughter/My Cousin> Son - 16 with tumor on his pituitary gland

Maternal Grandfather > Daughter/Mom > ME - brain cancer

Maternal Grandfather > Daughter/My Aunt - deceased brain cancer

Paternal Grandfather - dead brain cancer

Paternal Grandfather > Son/My Uncle - deceased not from cancer but had some type of tumor on his brain as a teenager

This makes me very glad I don't have any kids to pass this onto.